I rarely find myself at a loss for words in conversations, even if what I say hasn’t been thought through fully or makes me wish a moment later that I’d not actually said what was on my mind or was simply too much information (let me show the landlord the unauthorized work Frank has done on the apartment!). Among other factors, my foot-in-mouth syndrome results from my frustration with being told as a child my thoughts were shameful (thanks, mom), as well as from my impatience in conversations to get to what is really meant.
But when my cousin, who was in town for the holidays, mentioned that she lived near a fabulous sauna and sea salt bath house outside Amsterdam, I could only wince, shake my head and say, “I’m not sure about that,” without being able to explain why.
“I don’t deal well with the heat,” I offered as an explanation, and it’s true. The sauna would make my legs even more spastic (limp) than they are when simply tired and I cringe at the thought of a naked stranger hoisting me up, or being in Winston and wishing I’d put him through a car wash before entering the bath house.
“I’m fine being seen naked, I’m an exhibitionist, but I’d be hurt if I weren’t checked out by others.” Full thought: I remembered when I went swimming with others in high school and college and felt invisible and wondered why no one spoke with me. Why did people my age look through me? What did those other girls have that drew everyone to them?
“And I’m not sure I want to see others naked,” I added. Full thought: I can see Frank naked any time I want but I’m not sure I care to see most other guys. I imagined the drooping bodies of the aging hippies who usually populate nudist colonies in the States and cringed. Thank goodness I have bad vision.
“Hmm no, that makes me uncomfortable for some reason.” Full thought: It would be much more awkward if I found myself around those I was attracted to. This is what really makes me panic. When I was in camp at 12, I watched as a fellow camp member slipped down her bathing suit and put on her bra. She wasn’t what I’d consider attractive, but she had full breasts and actually needed an underwire bra while I was completely flat and had never worn or tried on a bra before, so I was captivated by watching her hooking her bra behind her back. But she caught me looking directly at her bra and she rolled her eyes and turned away, obviously thinking me a pervert, and I couldn’t possibly explain what I was doing: “Don’t worry, I’m not attracted to you. I mean, you have nice breasts, but they may sag as you grow older. Really, I was just observing you putting on your bra because I’ve never worn one myself.” No, that wouldn’t work. Nor would I want to relive observing someone’s figure in front of me. Why aren’t I invisible?
“And then, I wouldn’t go with my family.” Full thought: what if my cousin noticed me checking her out her body?
“It’d be better if people wore bottoms. It’s fine if people walk around their homes naked, but I don’t want to think of their sitting on their couches naked.” Full thought: Did people scrub themselves thoroughly before entering the baths? Were they tested for STDs? How often if that sea salt filtered? Why is that guy’s penis mottled? Help! Oh wait, don’t get near me.
“I suppose I sound conservative.” Full thought: social and fiscal liberal, public bath conservative.
I'll hide now
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